Have you ever found yourself wondering if monogamy is really the only way to structure long term relationships? Maybe you and your partner have been tiptoeing around the subject for months or years, or maybe you have known in your bones that monogamy has never been right for you. Our culture is slowly becoming more open to real alternatives to monogamy where everyone involved is aware, comfortable, and accepting of the dynamics at play. But getting to that point is not so simple.

There is so much complexity in navigating any romantic, sexual, and platonic relationship. Each one is unique in its difficulties and benefits, and it always takes real work to maintain and strengthen these relationships, particularly the ones we hope to continue long-term. Many folks aware of or involved in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) understand having multiple partners has a multiplying effect on these complexities: more conflict, more loving connection, more support, more heartache, more vulnerability, more communication, more compromise, the list goes on.

As ENM becomes more widely accepted and embraced in certain communities, I think it is vital for therapists, such as myself, be able to adeptly support clients that maybe on their first step to considering non-monogamy or maybe years into a successful polyamorous dynamic and they are dealing with a curveball they never saw coming. So let's start by discussing some of the basics of ENM and consider some red and green flags that are common when first exploring ENM.

Let’s start by defining some terms:

Ethical Non-Monogamy (also sometimes called consensual non-monogamy or CNM): an umbrella term for the practice of having multiple sexual and/or romantic partners. Polyamory is also sometimes used as an umbrella term, but generally refers to having multiple committed romantic relationships.

Metamour: people who share a partner but are not romantically/sexually involved.

Polycule: a network of ENM relationships. These networks can be as close and tight knit as a family, or quite loose and separated, or anything in between.

**ENM Green flags**

**(these are often good signs in monogamous relationships as well)**

Taking initiative to learn more: partner(s) are actively engaging and learning more about the unique features, benefits, and pitfalls of ENM and making an effort to be a better partner in this potentially new context.

Alone time: partner(s) are comfortable being alone with themselves. ENM tends to complicate people's schedules and you may end up spending more time apart than some monogamous couples. Being comfortable spending time alone is a good sign that folks in the relationship/polycule are at ease with themselves and feeling safe and trusted within the relationship(s).
Communication, Honesty, and Vulnerability: these are vital parts of any healthy relationship and both require and build on a foundation of trust and safety first and foremost.

**ENM Red Flags**

Things to look out for and use as a warning sign.

Many of the red flags seen in the early stages of ENM relationships often occur as couples that previously were monogamous open their relationship to ENM:

Your partner has cheated and they decide to push for opening the relationship to smooth things over
Your partner wants to open the relationship, but does not want you to pursue sex or relationships with others
The goal of opening the relationship is to “fix” the relationship
Isolation: your partner stops you from seeing your other partner(s), or stops you from talking or befriending your metamour(s)

Shifting goal posts: Your partner(s) continuously changes expectations/rules and/or uses mistakes in the relationship to justify controlling behavior
Violating agreements of consent

Some of you may be looking at this list and see both green and red flags that apply to you or your relationship(s). That is completely normal. Relationships are complex and if it were easy to sort our connections into all good and all bad, then I probably wouldn’t need to be talking about this. But here we are.

One of the first things I think about when I am working with a client working through something like is, ‘what does this mean for you?’ Red flags are just that, a flag, a warning, a signal. It's a starting point that can help us get more clarity in what we need to work on next. Something I always ask my clients who are in or considering an ENM relationship is why they are drawn to it. There are clearly many potential benefits, but I find that helping a client clarify their personal reasons and motivations is a really important step towards open communication, honesty, and good faith efforts to build and stabilize a relationship in transition. For most folks, this conversation gives them confidence and assurance that ENM matches their values and relational needs. But I have seen a few times that asking this question leads to a new clarity that monogamy might be a better fit, either just for now or in the long term.

If you are curious about the idea of ENM for yourself or just dealing with some of the complexities I described above, it can be helpful to work through it with a supportive therapist, so consider reaching out to our admin team to get connected today.

Want to learn more?

Check out these resources for more information:

Discovering Polyamory (website)

Polywise by Jessica Fern (book)

Signs of Abuse in Polyamory (website)

Polysecure by Jessica Fern (book)

More than Two by Veaux, Hardy, and Gill (book)